Yesterday was that day again, Black Friday. After all the heartfelt, gooey camraderie and goodfeelings of working together on Thanksgiving, it's a relief to cancel it all out with a good day of cut-throat, backstabbing competition over vacuum cleaners and iPods. The world needs to be balanced, right? We couldn't just have a day celebrating a time where everyone came together, and then leave it like that. The good feelings would spoil faster than the leftover turkey. Instead, we remind ourselves that America wasn't built on those wimpy synergistic ideals. It's much more important to celebrate the American legacy by fighting against out neighbors in order to save a few pennies. And it's more historically accurate. Did the Indians and Pilgrims just live in peace and prosperity after that first Thanksgiving? Of course not, the next day they were at each others throats, for cheap land instead of cheap shoes, but it's the idea that counts. I for one am glad that we finally got all this nonsensicial teamwork out of the way, because that's obviously not what Thanksgiving is about. It's apparent that the turkey day is really made so everyone can celebrate their obscene riches by stuffing themselves at least ten times as much as is reasonable for survival. Because if we eat ten times as much, we'll be ten times healthier and live ten times longer, right? It's simple math that we learn as children. And lest anyone worry that Christmas will be an aftershock of goodheartedness and fuzzy feelings, the car companies have the situation under control, reminding everyone that Christmas is really about buying things you don't need, because obviously happiness only comes from materiel goods. Why else would we celebrate buy eating candy, eating turkey, buying presents, eating Easter eggs, and all the rest of the consmer holidays. It's the American spirit, after all.
(For anyone that's worried, this was my first sloppy attempt at satire)
No comments:
Post a Comment